26 August 2009

No one gets me

Seriously, no one gets me. Sometimes I feel so cut off from the rest of humanity. Not like Bella, who chose it. OK? So we're clear? I'm not some whiny emo teenager here, ok?

Wow, so that sounded a tad defensive. See, here's the thing. I'm wife, and mother, to attention-deficit. And I have no idea how to deal with it. Up until I met my husband, seriously, I'd never met anyone with ADD. I thought it was a myth concocted by shrinks to explain bad behavior, get press, and make oodles doping kids up on ritalin.

Turns out, it's more serious than that. But what kills me is that even though I've learned that it's a real disease, apparently no one else in the educated world has.

Now, I know not everyone has time, energy, or inclination to read my blogs. We'll shame them later. BUT if they did, maybe they'd have a clue into my life, and how hard and lonely it really is, instead of dismissing my gripes. "He's all boy, isn't he?" they say about my son, or, "Wow, he's wide-open, huh?" Um, sure. I guess those apply, but it's so much more than that.

And my family doesn't get it, either. I try not to throw my hubby & kid in with my brothers and father too much, just makes for really tense times. Because they don't get it.

And when I go out, my friends don't get it, either. They tell me I'm really quiet, and then I feel boring. But it's hard to be awesome and the life of the party when I'm so fucking tired. I haven't slept in four years because of this. Sleeping in, for me, is getting uninterrupted sleep until 6AM. Sad, huh? And when I try to explain my kid, well, you saw what they say.

Inside, my 24-year-old self is screaming at me to let her out. To be fun, crazy, and let loose. But it's hard when I have 3 other people depending on me for everything. And it's always on my mind, crowding out all the fun.

Sometimes, I wish I could become a vampire, super-strong, no need of sleep, able to clean the entire house in under a minute. But I'm just me, with an apple-shaped body and gray hair and sunken eyes, and a to-do list that never gets finished.

One of my Facebook friends wrote, "You are only as strong as those who support you." I guess that means I have the strength of 1, then... is it enough? Do you get me?


Anonymous said...

I guess I'm lucky in one aspect--I have a brother who is ADD so no one thinks twice about my son's behavior MOST of the time. But there are sometimes when he's just out there. He's 9 and the struggle now is getting ready for school. Seems like a simple task doesn't it? Not going to happen--not without crying, screaming and the eventual swat to the behind.
I guess we all would like someone else to take the wheel for a minute. But, the question is would we let them? Probably not!! We'd be afraid they'd screw something up and cause us twice as much work.
Hang in there, I enjoy reading your posts.

Emily said...

Thanks, Angela!

Irishmama7 said...

Know that there are those out here that love your writing and your family loves you, even when they are pulling you in every direction. T & P and hugs and virtual chocolate.

Kim Moldofsky said...

I think Irishmama7 put it well! Your friend's quote about being as strong as those who support you is really interesting. I'm going to be turning that one over for a while.

S3XinthePantry said...

I think you are right, some people really don't get it.
But true friends will listen when you give them specifics -
I'd love to meet you, but we can only stay an hour becuse after that my hubby starts to pace. OR I'd love to see you but please put up anything that may break I never know what my son will bulldoze into next.

Many friendships change (or even end) when families (esp. kids) come into the picture. One of my sisters dear friends froze her out after my nephew vomited at her house. She insisted that my sister let it happen / didn't stop it - on purpose. Weird what will freak some people out.

I hope you get some rest and your friends start 'getting you" soon

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JediMom said...

Hi Emily,
The one line that caught me was "a to-do list that never gets finished". Is it supposed to get finished? Mine seems to grow longer and longer.
My son is not ADHD but he's close. He moves constantly and needs to be kept busy all the time. He burned our house down at age five for heavens sake, thanks to my husbands moment of unsupervision, we think he's ADD also. My son's eight now and we still have melt downs when he's tired. When he really is interested in something he can focus though, so that helps in school but it's exhausting.
I used to read you're blogs at momfo and I've followed along on here on and off again. I have to say, from the readings, I admire how you take care of your family.