25 April 2009

Dear Smooth Away


Dear Smooth Away:

How do I love you? Let me count the ways:

I love the way you've made this look so easy! One simple pass should get rid of my unwanted leg hair! I must have done something wrong if it took me an hour to get the hair off my lower legs...

I love the versatility of your product! One simple pad should remove all of my unwanted body hair...except for my armpits, but I must have done something wrong there, too...

I love the way you've convinced me that I need your product to simplify my life. Now I can get rid of all of my razors, all of my exfoliators, and all of my free time...

I love the crafty marketing you used to convince me to buy your product, instead of, say, a sander. The sander would probably be quicker, but where's the fun in that? And it's funny, but the "microfine crystals" seemed a lot more like sandpaper than I would have thought...

I loved the thrill of fear I felt during the hair removal process, seeing the fine white powder of my skin getting "gently" buffed off...

I truly adore the way you promise no razor burn! How did you do that? I must have done something wrong in my hour-long use of your product to de-hair my legs, because the lotion you recommended I apply burned, and left me with razor bumps.

But best of all, I love the stubbly, poky way my legs felt the next day.

Thanks, Smooth Away! Thanks to you, I can kiss my free time, my outer dermis, and my smooth legs good-bye! I know you said I can use this on my face, but I'm just not confident enough in my abilities to take a sander to my upper lip...

13 comments:

Jen said...

I can't believe you actually bought that!!!! If you lived close by you could come over and I'd wax you, no problem. I'm glad to hear a report back, though--every time I see those commercials I think 'what a bunch of bs...' so it's nice to have that confirmed!

ps: Get your money back!

Tiff Perry said...

Hey Em,

I bought it as well. I used it once and haven't used it since. You notice how in the commercial it doesn't show all that white powder when the "ladies on the street" buff away their skin... er I mean hair? It was truly a waste of money!

Emily said...

Jen, I would love to get waxed, but with warm weather here, I just don't have the hair growth or the patience for it :-)

The purchase was a moment of weakness in the Walgreens checkout aisle... *sigh* Last time I buy something not endorsed by Billy Mays!

HannahHandpainted said...

Hehehee. Hilarious. Tragic.

I tried a similar product years ago and ow...it does NOT work. UGHHH.

I loved your joke letter to Smooth Away. Please tell me you'll send it to them for real!

Hehee.

XOXXOXOXO,
Hannah

TheAngelForever said...

I saw an ad for this in the paper the other day and was curious if there were reviews about it. So glad that I clicked on over from Twitter. Yikes! Sorry that you had this experience.

MelissaQ said...

HAHAH, This was a great read. Thanks for the heads up. I would never have bought it anyway, but now I am for damn sure NEVER going to but that.
Thanks. Great Blog!

Kristina said...

Love your writing. I say send the blog.

Meowmie said...

ROTFLMAO! This post brought tears to my eyes and the smell of scorched hair and skin to my nose. :-)

Stacey said...

Yikes! So sorry your legs were wronged. I, too, have been suckered by WAY too many do-it-yourself beauty products. Like the time I thought, "Gee, I really like my red hair, maybe I should make it a little redder." One 15 dollar box of henna later, I looked just like Ronald McDonald... for 8 weeks!!

Then there was the oh-so-easy-do-it-yourself bikini wax. Alas, I trustingly stuck the "pain-free" adhesive pads on BOTH sides of my you-know-what, instead of cautiously trying out only one. So when I ripped off the first pad (and some hair and a lot of skin), I still had to contend with the other side. Thought about going to the ER and asking for morphine , but we didn't have insurance at the time.

Thanks for saving Sucker-Stacey from yet another regrettable beauty mishap. You should send them your very funny letter and demand some sort of compensation... like a few packages of your favorite disposable razors.

Kim Moldofsky said...

Okay, so I guess I won't be buying this anytime soon. Make that ever. You know what they say about anything that looks to good to be true....

Emily said...

Definitely looked too good to be true! I should have known...

But, in the interest of the public good and good humor, I think I'll be trying other products and letting you know how it goes!

9ndhouse- Katie said...

:-D How funny!!
So sorry it turned out so bad!! I have often been tempted to try it, now I've completely marked it off my drool list!!! Thanks!!

Tanima said...

wow thast a great flair of writing ...u must post this in the so -called "testimonials" all these "smoothe away" websites post....I was actually wondering whether it works...though im relieved to know the truth ..its also a pity my quest fr finding an unpainful ,convenient , long lasting (and also somethin that doesnt make my hair beard like) method of hair removal continues ...ya alrite i guess im askin fr too much ..:)